Dun Dun DUUUUUUUNNNN!!!!!!
*Disclaimer: This is meant to be satire.
Ok, in my head that was the little sloth dude from the “Croods” singing.
The Photography Goddesses or better known as “Goddess-ographers”…oh yes, we know all of them. Usually by a first name basis. They all live on Mt. Canikon and have a collection of designer camera bags in every color of the rainbow.
First off let me say this, I am not saying they haven’t worked hard to get where they are today, all I’m saying is that they have a leg up on the situation. Its kinda like those “children of actors” who have a shoe-in for acting while there are hundreds of other very talented actors who have to climb the mountain to stardom. Or say that great singer who you find out came from a wealthy family and therefore already had the right connections to drop that infamous first album. THAT is the plight of the “Goddesses.” Yes, I snoop….perhaps more than I should. I have cut back on my stalking snooping a lot in the past few years. “Research”……is a better word.
Ok so my “research” has brought me to the conclusion that the “Goddesses,” while highly talented, are also highly privileged. Who else gets 15K worth of camera equipment for Christmas without having to refinance the house, take out 6 credit cards and sell their first born child? I have found that many of these Goddesses were already well off. They already have the “success,” but the personal success of their business is just the cherry on top. You won’t see them selling their camera equipment to pay the rent or feed their kids.
Let me give you a run down of these feme crème de la crèmes….
#1. APHRODITE: Cascades of long wavy perfectly elegant hair…mixed with a brilliant bright smile and a sharp tongue. She not only does picture perfect weddings, but she has the most profound portfolio of what looks like a bunch of models who pose for every engagement shoot instead of the real couples. The weddings are always exotic locations and look like they had a budget of a few 100K just lying around under their mattresses.
The rest of us: Backyard budget weddings and a mop of messy curly hair that looks as though the humidity fairy was hovering only over our heads. Our sharp tongue is misconstrued as being rude and our brilliant bright smile is missing a few teeth due to the lack of funds to see a dentist in time after that last root canal.
#2. HERA: The epitome of motherhood. Her newborns are always flawless. Not one cries, or stays awake the entire session. She too, always looks perfect with her hair in slick pony tail and her yoga pants that fit her athletic bod like a glove. She usually has had multiple children with the littlest strapped to her back. No, you can’t tell if she ever even had them, you’d even wonder if she used a surrogate if it weren’t for the album full of her perfect, stretchmark-less maternity pictures. Her kids are all perfect little creatures that never seem to manage to stain anything…..not even the house full of white walls, white carpet and white furniture.
The rest of us: We have the 6 hour newborn session with the only newborn on the planet that is wide awake the entire time and wont stop crying. We look like a busted biscuit can in our yoga pants and we can’t NOT pee when we laugh. Our kids write on the walls, look like they were raised in a backyard dirt hut and refuse to eat anything healthy we stick on their plates. Did I mention the smell? No not the kids, its us. Due to before mentioned kids we rarely get to shower and we always look like we just got ran over by the very ice-cream truck we just bought 4 Choco Tacos off and snuck behind the house to eat.
#3. MINERVA: Ahh….Minvera. She loves the model session. She herself, looks like a model. Much like the models she photographs. If there isn’t an album of models, there is an album of her. She is always perfectly dressed in her riding pants and boots with the anthropologie catalog hanging in her closet. You won’t catch her walking through a Wal-Mart. Her kids are models, her husband is a model, even her home…is a model. Her sessions always go as planned and are always perfectly styled. She doesn’t have to buy props, they fall from the sky as a gift from the prop God. If there is anything she loves to talk about, its herself.
The rest of us: If we are lucky we will get a few model sessions, however our models won’t take direction. Their sexy face looks like the “ERMEHGERD” girl. Our model kids….yeah they like to run off and stick their tongues out at us while we try to get the shot. Their parents are behind us screaming: “Smile! Smile! Say Cheese! Do your favorite pose!!!” or worse “If you don’t smile you WONT get McDonalds on the way home!!”
So there we have it, three of the most infamous Goddess-ographers. Now for the rest of us mere mortals, the messes, the missed shots and the frumpy hair keep us grounded. It reminds us that we are human. The nice thing is, we can and will mess up, but nobody really cares. The second a Goddess-ographer falls off her pedestal, EVERYONE notices and that fall from Mt. Canikon is a long way down. So instead of worshipping them, we should learn from them and be grateful for our humble beginnings because its really what makes us appreciate the journey that much more.
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